How My PTSD Works

No one person is exactly the same as another. Mental illness affects everyone differently. This is my experience with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

PTSD is defined as a condition that occurs in some people who have suffered through traumatic experiences. These feelings of anxiety, discomfort, and being scared can happen to people in their normal everyday lives. With PTSD this doesn't go away. We suffer from many different symptoms on a regular basis. Medical professionals feel PSTD is when someone has these lingering feelings for "at least a month or so". With me, I can't remember a time in my life that was "before PTSD".

I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder when I was in my early 20's. I didn't really think too much of it, and I didn't look for any information on it. I was diagnosed with some other issues at the same time that I was consumed with at the time and it just took the back burner. Looking back on my life, I realize how much it has affected me in the past when I had no idea it was that apparent.

Some of my friends can (and probably do) describe me as a negative person. I like to describe myself as realistic. I try to see all sides of a situation, good and bad. People can be very optimistic and point out good things, whereas I will point out all things. Because I also point out the bad things, is why I often get told I'm pessimistic. I honestly try not to, but I live with a feeling of fear, worry, and anxiety so it can be difficult for me to feel like things are going my way. I try to not express many things and bite my tongue but sometimes it still slips out. Persistent instability to experience positive emotions is described as a sign or symptom of PTSD.

I don't watch horror movies. I have been made fun of in the past. Called names like "wuss" or "baby". I just brush it off, because they don't know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night to a flashback. It's not a dream, it's not a nightmare, it's everything you're afraid of. There are things in the back of your mind that you don't know about. Dark closets and corners hiding things that you forgot about or didn't really think was a problem. Well, today is day where it is a problem, and you're going to remember it in the most traumatic way (even if it didn't happen that way). It's going to scare the living shit out of you, and linger with you creating a feeling that is like a cloud following you around ready to suck you up at any moment.

Every time your mind starts to wander throughout the following days or weeks, it will go back there and BOOM. Sweating, anxiety, heart is racing, your body is shaking. You calm yourself down and after a while you feel back to normal again. Just when you think it might have gone away and left you alone, you walk around the corner and see something, hear something or smell something that reminds you of it and BOOM. Back into high adrenaline mode. You take some time to calm yourself down. You go back to work, or whatever you were doing. You go on with your day. You're cleaning up dinner, the kids are in bed and you think "I'm tried, it's been a long day, I'll head off to bed now too". You crawl into bed and drift off to sleep. Then when your guard is down and its the middle of the night. BOOM. You wake up crying and shaking and sweating and scared. I did not know that these feelings were part of my disorder until recently. Flash backs and re-experiencing the trauma including through nightmares is a common characteristic of PTSD.

Most of my early life is not easily recalled by me. I have relied on others to tell me what happened, even though I was there. I generally tell people that I have a bad memory and can't remember much from before I was 17 years old. I can sometimes be reminded of something from that time in my life and recall a memory but I often can't remember much. I had no idea that repression and "lost memory" was my brain trying to protect me from my traumatic events.

It is very well known in my circle of friends that I'm easily startled. Most of them find it quite hilarious. I often find myself at work and round a corner or open a door that has no window to find someone on the other side. I will jump out of my skin and usually let out a high pitched shriek which will usually get a reaction from the other person (either startle them or they laugh or both). This is a characteristic related to the hyper vigilance aspect of PTSD because I'm often on edge or on alert. It is also common for PTSD sufferers to have an exaggerated response when startled.

When something traumatic happens in my life I've mentioned above that I can have flashbacks or re-experience the trauma, or sometimes my brain will play out "what if" scenarios. This usually occurs with the newest trauma but sometimes can go back to something that happened many years ago. If the trauma is fresh, I can't get to sleep. Every time I try to close my eyes the event will replay itself and I'm in a state of panic.This will continue all night and when I finally feel like I've fallen asleep I'll have to get up and go to work, which leaves me feeling exhausted and unable to cope with getting through the day. They relate this as PTSD induced insomnia. 

I hope that wasn't too boring. There are other things that are on the "common list of  PTSD symptoms" that I have not listed. Some I didn't want to talk about, and some I don't normally experience. I know that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can affect people differently so I decided to write how it affects me.

Another characteristic of PTSD is self blame, feeling hopeless and may including having negative thoughts about yourself. I'd like to let you know, if you're reading this PTSD is not your fault. If you are feeling this way, I encourage you to seek medical attention and if you need someone to talk to, I can be reached easily on facebook or twitter.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure what I did to deserve this, but this last year has been pretty shitty. The last 6 months have be just ridiculous.

After a tough winter financially, my amazing dog had a tumor and I had to make a very difficult (and expensive) decision.

A lady drove into the side of my PeeTee Cruiser and wrote it off.

Items were stolen off my property which I tallied up to about $700.

Jane got broken into and they stole my entire stereo (including screens). They left the sub/amp out in the rain for the night - maybe it was too heavy? Hundreds of dollars in stereo equipment that I spent years gathering and saving.

Somehow the freezer got unplugged and thawed. We lost hundreds of dollars in food.

My cell phone decided to boot loop and have tried many different things but it's done for.

The truck got broken into and we had over $100 stolen from the fundraising chocolates. The one time I have taken them out of the house recently to bring to a dinner...

I'm not entirely sure when or where my breaking point will be. I don't want to find out what the straw that is going to be to break the camel's back.

So far I have not replaced anything. I'm looking for a new vehicle still, and even though the payout was decent, it wasn't enough for a certified used car. I'll have to buy some more meat and freezer items when it's on sale again to restock the freezer slowly. Not sure when I'll be able to afford a cell phone.

So yeah, I guess I just wanted to write this shit down.

There She Goes

I started writing this over a week ago.

I have many friends, and I'm blessed with a few close ones I hold dear to my heart. This is not meant to hurt any one of them, but just to say my feelings on this situation.

One of my closest friends has decided to move to another province. She has her reasons, and there's some pretty good ones. I'm happy and excited for her, for her future, near and far. I hope this is a step she needs to do what she feels is right, and I stand behind her, always. I will be so happy the day she tells me the great news this journey will bring her.

But fuck, am I going to miss her. It really is hard to find good friends these days. Ones that never would do anything to intentionally hurt you and are there for you every time they possibly can be. Ones that you would do anything for in return. Ones you don't count the favours, because you know that it doesn't matter because you do things for each other so often, so often it doesn't feel like a favour anymore. We do these things for each other because we want to.

She is probably my "newest" friend, since she only moved to my small little town two years ago, but it felt right. It felt like we'd known each other forever. We got along pretty well, which was surprising because we are very much alike in the way we think and act. Even though on the outside, how we wear clothes, makeup etc, we are so very opposite. She would be considered more of a girly girl, whereas I would be considered more of a tomboy.

Yet, we got along well. Mostly well, anyway. Well enough this hurts.

Last night we went out to the city of Barrie, kind of spontaneously, and I'm glad we did. There's always going to be things that stick out in your mind. Like this photo we took this morning, the evidence of our bar hopping experience. Her last night out here with me. Our last major experience together, for a while at least.

Evidence

 

This is one of those friends that has come to car meets with me, knowing she would know only me. Someone that would accompany me to the scrap yard, so I'd have someone to talk to as I looked for the things I needed. These were not things she would have chosen, but she came with me anyway.

I'm going to miss calling her up to go on a random road trip sometimes over 600km round trip. I'm going to miss spontaneous breakfasts, lunches and dinners, and dinners of appetizers only. I'm going to miss staying up late into the night laughing at things online together, or just texting until we're both exhausted.

I'm going to miss her.

Thoughts On Dating

Do people actually date anymore? Like actually, go on dates?

As a 30 year old woman, I find dating weird. I don't understand why there has to be a label on this. I mean, can't you just hang out with someone to get to know them? Once you add the big label on it, it seems much more nerve-wracking and now you're expected to act a certain way. It's especially scary to think of going on a date with someone you don't know at all. It's much nicer to just hang out with someone for a while first, with no stress and no labels.

I recently got out of what some of my friends might call a bad relationship. I might say that it was good, and turned bad. It especially turned bad when I found out the person I was in love with, was in love with someone else, and had been seeing the someone else for quite some time. I had seen the signs, I had called them on it, they just kept weaving their web of lies and I kept believing them. You wanna see this chick turn into complete psycho? Let her find out the years of lies you've been telling her. HA!

Enough of that now, it's old news.

I'm not sure I'm "ready" for the dating thing yet. I really don't know, but I think I will know, when the time comes. I do, however, hate how everyone and their brother seem to think that a newly single female is open season within weeks of a traumatic ending of a 5 year relationship. Hell, even a month seems not enough time. Maybe it is that easy for some people to get over something like that.

I'm not some people.

I've been thinking though, given that everyone is different and people may need different amounts of time to get over things like this. There should be some sort of code of conduct, or rule list for people. So that guys and girls alike, can tell when someone is ready to start dating again. It's really hard for someone to just walk around saying "Hey, I'm available, I'm ready to date now!"

That being said, I have found it weird when people I consider friends, and were friends with "us", want to date me. I think that under normal circumstances, there's got to be some sort of line, somewhere between friend and acquaintance, where I might be comfortable trying to date (still kinda don’t like that word). Mostly, people I consider friends, have been friends so long, that I really don't think it's a good idea. Then, once they've shown interest, it becomes kind of weird and awkward.

Onward! Get to the damn point already!

So here are some signs someone might be ready to date:*
1. They stop continually posting relationship meme's on facebook about cheaters/liars or past relationship shit.
2. If they are a regular poster on social media and suddenly stopped, they are probably too occupied in their head and healing to bother. When they start posting regularly again.
3. You notice they are being socially active again, when there had been an absence.
4. When they stop talking about their ex.
5. Their current favourite songs have nothing to do with breakups, ex's or anything like that.
6. They will likely act more confident, less self-conscious and be in better spirits than they have been while they were healing.
7. (This one may just be me, but) When they don't act angry a lot of the time.


A break up is hard. I'm not sure about men, but as a woman, I certainly can relate to a chunk of meat, when I get hit on by people I know already. It feels as though they were just waiting for the moment you were single, regardless of your feelings.

Meh. Food for thought, I guess.

*Even using these signs that a person might (I said might) be ready to date again, they may still not be ready. It might be good practice to play it by ear, and wait a bit longer even, just in case.

Lips Are Movin

So, as you may have (not) noticed my absence. Well, that would be me, road blocking. So stuck in my own head to think of anything else.

So here's a song that's kind of new and kind of fun.

Amnesia

Oh wow... the feels. all of them...

I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted
I thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted
And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine

Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you?
When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?

Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?

'Cause I'm not fine at all

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

'Cause I'm not fine at all

The pictures that you sent me they're still living in my phone
I'll admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone
And all my friends keep asking why I'm not around

It hurts to know you're happy, yeah, it hurts that you've moved on
It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long

It's like we never happened, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?

'Cause I'm not fine at all

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

If today I woke up with you right beside me
Like all of this was just some twisted dream
I'd hold you closer than I ever did before
And you'd never slip away
And you'd never hear me say

I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the make-up running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

'Cause I'm not fine at all
No, I'm really not fine at all
Tell me this is just a dream
'Cause I'm really not fine at all

Shitty Stuff and Good Stuff

I haven't been around these parts lately. I guess its hard to think with all that stuff going on. Not "I guess". It is. I'm not going to lie.

I got a new job. I'm hoping that this is my lucky break. I was without a job for two months. With being down to one very part time job (8 hours a week) and a series of expensive events, my savings ran through pretty fast.

It's not over yet. I still have some expensive events coming soon, in the form of a rebuilt rack, brakes, and tires. And that's just the maintenance stuff.

Now for the good.

Earlier this week, I was treated to see Carlos Santana live at Casino Rama. Which isn't all that far from where I live. I had enough gas in my car, so I went. After all the bullshit that's been going on in my life lately, it was really nice to enjoy being treated to a concert. Even only a couple of hours away from it all, I really appreciated it.

Speaking of appreciation, I have some really awesome friends! One of the best, Yandie has really been there for me the past few weeks. I'm so grateful to have such generous friends. In a time of need, a few have been there. Even just to keep me company. I needed it, and I'm thankful for the kindness they've shown me. I'm not out of the woods yet, but gradually, they are showing me the way out. Without them, I'm sure I'd still be lost in the darkest part of those woods right now. Nobody else I can think of are able (or may not want to be named or) tagged, so I'll leave some initials of those I want to thank. AC & MR, JP & AV, JS, CC, KM, CS, GW & SW, TE, AT. Thank you guys, even for a small contribution for my mental health, thank you.

Feelings

So much hurt. I don't think I can stand it. It's hard to put words to feelings sometimes. It also sometimes helps to try.

Too many unanswered questions.
Too much uncertainty.
To many secrets.

Its hard to see through the tears.
Its hard to breathe.
Its hard to think.

I thought it would be easier than the latter. But now I don't know anymore. It hurts so much.

Why? Just fucking why?
WHY?!?!?

I'm so mad.
And sad.
And hurt.

I'm so scared.

Winter Time Blues

Yeah, that's me. I'm depressed.

Watch this.

If you're Canadian you'll think ooooohhh fuck yeah bud.
If you're American you'll laugh and not even notice that this was filmed in the summer time and we don't have snow!

Okay, so today I went out for a rip. Not in a truck, but a snowmobile. The Boyfriend borrowed his dad's for the day so he took the kids out for a rip, then went out for a rip, then took me out for a rip.

Haha, sorry (no I'm not).

We went out to 'Giant's Tomb' on the bay. This is the point in my life where I felt like Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. Let me see if I can find a vid of that.

Overall it was a good trip, and it was nice to get out of the house and do something different. I'm pretty sure my last ride on a sled was more than 5 years ago, and a single trip like this one. Before that, probably closer to 20 years ago.

I like watching video's that make me laugh. So, what's you're happy? I shared mine, now it's your turn to share yours!

Rain

Today is rainy. I usually embrace rainy days and use them to clean or spend time with the kids playing games or watching movies.

That could still happen.

I'm just not... there yet.

Rainy days are depressing for me. Stupid drearyness makes my head go crazy sometimes. The sun has a pretty big effect on my mood. I know I'm not not the only one.

This morning I got thinking of friends. Friends who are, friends who were, friends who are no longer.

This is not a good thing to think about. Especially on a rainy day.

Perhaps I will go on now, and do some stuff around here, considering the kids are glued to their tablets.