How My PTSD Works

No one person is exactly the same as another. Mental illness affects everyone differently. This is my experience with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

PTSD is defined as a condition that occurs in some people who have suffered through traumatic experiences. These feelings of anxiety, discomfort, and being scared can happen to people in their normal everyday lives. With PTSD this doesn't go away. We suffer from many different symptoms on a regular basis. Medical professionals feel PSTD is when someone has these lingering feelings for "at least a month or so". With me, I can't remember a time in my life that was "before PTSD".

I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder when I was in my early 20's. I didn't really think too much of it, and I didn't look for any information on it. I was diagnosed with some other issues at the same time that I was consumed with at the time and it just took the back burner. Looking back on my life, I realize how much it has affected me in the past when I had no idea it was that apparent.

Some of my friends can (and probably do) describe me as a negative person. I like to describe myself as realistic. I try to see all sides of a situation, good and bad. People can be very optimistic and point out good things, whereas I will point out all things. Because I also point out the bad things, is why I often get told I'm pessimistic. I honestly try not to, but I live with a feeling of fear, worry, and anxiety so it can be difficult for me to feel like things are going my way. I try to not express many things and bite my tongue but sometimes it still slips out. Persistent instability to experience positive emotions is described as a sign or symptom of PTSD.

I don't watch horror movies. I have been made fun of in the past. Called names like "wuss" or "baby". I just brush it off, because they don't know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night to a flashback. It's not a dream, it's not a nightmare, it's everything you're afraid of. There are things in the back of your mind that you don't know about. Dark closets and corners hiding things that you forgot about or didn't really think was a problem. Well, today is day where it is a problem, and you're going to remember it in the most traumatic way (even if it didn't happen that way). It's going to scare the living shit out of you, and linger with you creating a feeling that is like a cloud following you around ready to suck you up at any moment.

Every time your mind starts to wander throughout the following days or weeks, it will go back there and BOOM. Sweating, anxiety, heart is racing, your body is shaking. You calm yourself down and after a while you feel back to normal again. Just when you think it might have gone away and left you alone, you walk around the corner and see something, hear something or smell something that reminds you of it and BOOM. Back into high adrenaline mode. You take some time to calm yourself down. You go back to work, or whatever you were doing. You go on with your day. You're cleaning up dinner, the kids are in bed and you think "I'm tried, it's been a long day, I'll head off to bed now too". You crawl into bed and drift off to sleep. Then when your guard is down and its the middle of the night. BOOM. You wake up crying and shaking and sweating and scared. I did not know that these feelings were part of my disorder until recently. Flash backs and re-experiencing the trauma including through nightmares is a common characteristic of PTSD.

Most of my early life is not easily recalled by me. I have relied on others to tell me what happened, even though I was there. I generally tell people that I have a bad memory and can't remember much from before I was 17 years old. I can sometimes be reminded of something from that time in my life and recall a memory but I often can't remember much. I had no idea that repression and "lost memory" was my brain trying to protect me from my traumatic events.

It is very well known in my circle of friends that I'm easily startled. Most of them find it quite hilarious. I often find myself at work and round a corner or open a door that has no window to find someone on the other side. I will jump out of my skin and usually let out a high pitched shriek which will usually get a reaction from the other person (either startle them or they laugh or both). This is a characteristic related to the hyper vigilance aspect of PTSD because I'm often on edge or on alert. It is also common for PTSD sufferers to have an exaggerated response when startled.

When something traumatic happens in my life I've mentioned above that I can have flashbacks or re-experience the trauma, or sometimes my brain will play out "what if" scenarios. This usually occurs with the newest trauma but sometimes can go back to something that happened many years ago. If the trauma is fresh, I can't get to sleep. Every time I try to close my eyes the event will replay itself and I'm in a state of panic.This will continue all night and when I finally feel like I've fallen asleep I'll have to get up and go to work, which leaves me feeling exhausted and unable to cope with getting through the day. They relate this as PTSD induced insomnia. 

I hope that wasn't too boring. There are other things that are on the "common list of  PTSD symptoms" that I have not listed. Some I didn't want to talk about, and some I don't normally experience. I know that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can affect people differently so I decided to write how it affects me.

Another characteristic of PTSD is self blame, feeling hopeless and may including having negative thoughts about yourself. I'd like to let you know, if you're reading this PTSD is not your fault. If you are feeling this way, I encourage you to seek medical attention and if you need someone to talk to, I can be reached easily on facebook or twitter.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure what I did to deserve this, but this last year has been pretty shitty. The last 6 months have be just ridiculous.

After a tough winter financially, my amazing dog had a tumor and I had to make a very difficult (and expensive) decision.

A lady drove into the side of my PeeTee Cruiser and wrote it off.

Items were stolen off my property which I tallied up to about $700.

Jane got broken into and they stole my entire stereo (including screens). They left the sub/amp out in the rain for the night - maybe it was too heavy? Hundreds of dollars in stereo equipment that I spent years gathering and saving.

Somehow the freezer got unplugged and thawed. We lost hundreds of dollars in food.

My cell phone decided to boot loop and have tried many different things but it's done for.

The truck got broken into and we had over $100 stolen from the fundraising chocolates. The one time I have taken them out of the house recently to bring to a dinner...

I'm not entirely sure when or where my breaking point will be. I don't want to find out what the straw that is going to be to break the camel's back.

So far I have not replaced anything. I'm looking for a new vehicle still, and even though the payout was decent, it wasn't enough for a certified used car. I'll have to buy some more meat and freezer items when it's on sale again to restock the freezer slowly. Not sure when I'll be able to afford a cell phone.

So yeah, I guess I just wanted to write this shit down.

Midland Parking Lot Murder

Okay, so this is the town that I live in. This happened here. Its been nonstop on my newsfeed and in my brain.

I was at Walmart that day. I don't go to Walmart often, because it's a shit-show, especially on the weekend (and it was a long weekend to boot). My daughter already had a breakdown that day and I wasn't going to let her have another one. So off to Wally World I went.

Getting into the lot was insane. Cars everywhere, backed up pretty much to the doors of the store. I was driving Jane for one of the first test drives of the season. I don't have power steering in that car. Some lady was "directing traffic" at the one corner of the lot, but by the time I saw her it was too late for me to make a sharp turn with cars everywhere and lack of power steering. Not that I was going very fast as the parking lot was packed and I was basically in parade gear. I avoided her as she yelled at me "someone's been hit" and ended up turning around due to traffic to try a different lane to find parking. She had the audacity to holler "I told you so" at me as I went by her the second time.

I used quotations there because she was doing absolutely nothing to help the situation there. Firstly, if someone had been injured by doing the same damn thing, then perhaps it's not a good idea to be "directing traffic", I would think that would have been a pretty clear judgement call. Secondly, she was nowhere near the location of the incident and was not directing traffic to avoid it. It was completely pointless and pretty stupid on her part, she's lucky to have her life.

The Ole Man said to me "who the hell is she?" and I"m all like "I know right?!" because unfortunately people think it's okay to pretend to be police. I know, I know, many people want to place blame on the poor design of the lot with only one entrance/exit. Although I want to agree with them, that's really no excuse to kill someone over. Honestly, there really is no excuse unless your life is in immediate danger and it's self defence.

Nobody want's to talk badly about a deceased person. The fact of the matter is, had he minded his own business and stayed in his vehicle, he'd be alive today. Instead he got out and decided to pretend to be a person of the law knowing full well people were angry and hot and wanted to get the hell out of there. Then to take it upon himself to stand in front of a vehicle (I did see a photo of him doing this) and hearing that he was up on top of someone's vehicle... What do you think is going to happen? Not death, clearly, but still, the guy was an idiot for thinking there would be no repercussions to getting on someone's vehicle.

It's pretty simple. If you're not a person of the law, who do you think is actually going to listen to you? You have no authority over anyone. That's like walking down the street and up to some random stranger and not allowing them to walk, standing in front of them. What are they going to do? They're going to fight to continue to do walking because you should mind your own business. You can't stop someone from walking, or driving someplace. I mean, seriously if I was faced up against a 3000lb vehicle, I don't think I would act like The Man Of Steel, because I'm not.

Nobody's going to charge a dead guy, so all the blame will lay on the man who "ran him over". I suppose we'll see what happens in court, and if any witnesses do come forward with any evidence, I hope the truth comes out about what happened and people can understand the fault likely lays on both men's shoulders, not just one.

I'm not trying to blame the victim here, because he certainly was the victim, I'm not arguing that. My issue is that he was just as much a part of the problem to begin with. It's like someone picking a fight with another someone, who everyone has knowledge of having a weapon. Would you start a fight with someone who's got a weapon, aimed at you?

https://www.barrietoday.com/local-news/walmart-parking-lot-murder-accused-wants-his-side-told-says-lawyer-331564

Jane's Makeover

After a long wait, I finally got around to getting something done I'd wanted done for a long time.

The paint on Jane has been battered and bruised, and being over 20 years old since the factory laid it, I thought it was high time she gets some new gloss. Previously I had laid plasti-dip after I had done a lot of the prep for paint. Repaired dings and scratches, filled with bondo when needed, and sanded. That was a terrible idea. I'm pretty sure, although nobody says so, that plasti-dip was made to go over a gloss coat. If it's not on a gloss, it does not peel off like it advertises.

It took quite a bit of time to get it all off. Here's where we picked up from last years repairs.

Beginning to sand

Shout out to my amazing sponsor Vinyl By Trevor. Please look him up and follow him on facebook and twitter. He's been amazing to not only me but my car club.

 After all the plasti-dip was off the car we had to sand everything down again, and again with multiple different grit of sand paper.

Mopar or no car

 I found this on the door near the window while sanding and thought it was cool.

Taping

 There are some parts of the car you don't want to paint. I got this plastic shield stuff that we used to cover all the carbon fiber elements of the car so they didn't get painted.

getting ready for paint

almost there

Here we are in the booth after some paint has been laid.

paint booth

 Another shout out to my sponsor KMB Auto Service in Midland for letting me use their shop to paint my car.

KMB Auto Service

 Jane on the beach, soaking up the sun.

beach shot

The finished product is a white pearl paint. It shimmers slightly in the sun.

bridge shot

Although it's not perfect, she's still got a soft spot in my heart.

Holy Hell

Where did the last few months go?

Fuck.

Between getting the PeeTee on the road, to pretty much blowing it up again, I'm already over cars right now.

I say that because it really fucks with me when I don't have a car. I also am at a complete halt without it because I can't do anything major to Jane until I have another car to drive in the downtime.

FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

It really sucks when you rely on people who really are just liars and thieves. Then when it comes down to it, you're the one that gets fucked in the end.

It's almost been a year since I got that car. I've driven it for one week. Had insurance on it for over a month.

Jane is now the DD I guess. I'm going to have to be without a car when she has downtime. So much work to do. So little motivation.

One Review

So far me and my One, have a love-hate relationship.

I finally went and bought it, to bring it home and find out I also need to purchase a copy of COD:AW for it as well. Before I decided I could spend yet another $70 on the game (which WTF? It's six months old and still full price?!?!) I spent my time familiarizing myself with the console. Getting used to the new interface, which isn't horrible. I'm still getting stuck on it, thinking one button will do something, and pressing the wrong one and it doing something completely different. It also boots up games and signs into XBL a lot faster than its 360 counterpart.

I've had to purchase an adapter to plug in my turtle beach's, then modify the connection for the audio because this thing doesn't have HDMI, and buy some optic cable thing made of glass...

I do really like the SmartGlass app, for your phone. It's pretty neat and it eliminates the need to have a chat pad on the controller.

Now onto the things I really don't like about it:

• I don't like how it seems like everything you've ever opened is still running in the background and sometimes it seems impossible to just stop all programs/apps and the B button will re-open your last app/game/whatever even if you told it to stop.
• If you plug in a media storage device and watch media, it does not remember your place (unlike the 360) in your media. Also, if you mistakenly drop your controller on the couch and it jumps to the next or previous media you can't tell which one you were watching, as it highlights the one you started on.
• Snap. I hate you snap. You snap shit when I don't want it to be snapped and you want to snap, like everything. And you take fucking FOREVER to get the snap going. So when you've hit it by accident you have to wait a ridiculous amount of time for it load. Then there's the problem with trying to get the main screen while you're on snap. Fuck you snap.
• Having an "open" connection, but yet you can't connect to other people who also have "open" connections.
• There's no fucking voice message? What in the actual fuck? So basically, you've DOWNGRADED from the 360 by taking that away.... Jus' sayin'
• If you shut it down, it doesn't seem to actually shut down. It remembers what you were doing, so when you reboot it, if it was being a jerk, it's still being a jerk when it boots back up.

So far that's it. I haven't had it horribly long, nor have I done too much with it. Just watched some Netflix, loaded media and played AW.

There's my initial impressions.

Damn, Its COLD

Well fuck.

I thought about doing a video blog of this, but... editing... I'm not sure my computer is really compatible with much of anything, and it doesn't take much to slow it down. I once did a scouting promo video (okay more than once) and it was a damn nightmare.

So it's fucking cold here in Canada. Everyone bitches about the cold in the winter, and the heat in the summer. Not I. I don't think you will ever hear me say it's too hot. For me, that's just not a thing. It really takes quite a bit for me to feel the heat, and a lot more for me to complain about it. Cold, on the other hand...

You may think, well, you're in Canada, you should be used to it by now. No, I'm not fucking used to it. Try changing from -30 C to +30 C twice a year. FUCK NO. It's fucking cold and I'm not used to it, nor will I ever be used to it, nor do I LIKE IT. FUCK THIS SHIT. I'm out.

No, I'm not really out, because I don't even own a passport. I'm fucking stuck here. When I'm old, and have money, I will be one of those people that just fuck off for the winter. I will have a home somewhere else. Somewhere warm for the winter.

Fuck snow, fuck cold, fuck layers, fuck boots, fuck snow plows, fuck SALT, fuck shovels, fuck big heavy jackets.

I love Canada. I love a lot of what it has to offer, I love that it's my home. FUCK WINTER.

I miss Summer... I want her back. She brings sunshine and cute clothes and sandals and no socks and CARS. OH DEAR GAWD DON'T FORGET THE CARS. I miss cars, I miss my car. I miss car shows. I miss going to the scrap yard. I miss not having to wear layers of clothing. I miss not regretting leaving my house without a jacket, mitts, boots and hat (or toque as we say here in Canada).

Okay, I'm done.

Maybe.

Thoughts On Dating

Do people actually date anymore? Like actually, go on dates?

As a 30 year old woman, I find dating weird. I don't understand why there has to be a label on this. I mean, can't you just hang out with someone to get to know them? Once you add the big label on it, it seems much more nerve-wracking and now you're expected to act a certain way. It's especially scary to think of going on a date with someone you don't know at all. It's much nicer to just hang out with someone for a while first, with no stress and no labels.

I recently got out of what some of my friends might call a bad relationship. I might say that it was good, and turned bad. It especially turned bad when I found out the person I was in love with, was in love with someone else, and had been seeing the someone else for quite some time. I had seen the signs, I had called them on it, they just kept weaving their web of lies and I kept believing them. You wanna see this chick turn into complete psycho? Let her find out the years of lies you've been telling her. HA!

Enough of that now, it's old news.

I'm not sure I'm "ready" for the dating thing yet. I really don't know, but I think I will know, when the time comes. I do, however, hate how everyone and their brother seem to think that a newly single female is open season within weeks of a traumatic ending of a 5 year relationship. Hell, even a month seems not enough time. Maybe it is that easy for some people to get over something like that.

I'm not some people.

I've been thinking though, given that everyone is different and people may need different amounts of time to get over things like this. There should be some sort of code of conduct, or rule list for people. So that guys and girls alike, can tell when someone is ready to start dating again. It's really hard for someone to just walk around saying "Hey, I'm available, I'm ready to date now!"

That being said, I have found it weird when people I consider friends, and were friends with "us", want to date me. I think that under normal circumstances, there's got to be some sort of line, somewhere between friend and acquaintance, where I might be comfortable trying to date (still kinda don’t like that word). Mostly, people I consider friends, have been friends so long, that I really don't think it's a good idea. Then, once they've shown interest, it becomes kind of weird and awkward.

Onward! Get to the damn point already!

So here are some signs someone might be ready to date:*
1. They stop continually posting relationship meme's on facebook about cheaters/liars or past relationship shit.
2. If they are a regular poster on social media and suddenly stopped, they are probably too occupied in their head and healing to bother. When they start posting regularly again.
3. You notice they are being socially active again, when there had been an absence.
4. When they stop talking about their ex.
5. Their current favourite songs have nothing to do with breakups, ex's or anything like that.
6. They will likely act more confident, less self-conscious and be in better spirits than they have been while they were healing.
7. (This one may just be me, but) When they don't act angry a lot of the time.


A break up is hard. I'm not sure about men, but as a woman, I certainly can relate to a chunk of meat, when I get hit on by people I know already. It feels as though they were just waiting for the moment you were single, regardless of your feelings.

Meh. Food for thought, I guess.

*Even using these signs that a person might (I said might) be ready to date again, they may still not be ready. It might be good practice to play it by ear, and wait a bit longer even, just in case.

I May Be Stupid... but...

I got nothin'. It was probably pretty stupid of me to push the POS beater car to Ottawa and back. Then to say "Hell, it made it to Ottawa, it should be fine to go to Windsor".

Heh.

About that... Well, it wasn't boring, that's for sure. The weekend started off kind of shitty when I woke up to a pile of snow Friday morning. My landlords still have my snowblower for the "tuning up" thing I begged them to do all summer. So I had to actually shovel my driveway. That kind of sucked. And started my day later than planned.

The sight out my front window on Friday morning

Finally get the car loaded up and ready to go. Stop for fuel and some oil and get on my way, over an hour later than planned. Close to 200km into my drive, in the middle of Toronto on the jam packed 401 the beast decided it was a good time to overheat and the steering becomes a bitch. Turn off the car. It's not like we're moving anyway. When traffic does start moving, I resume the steady stop and go until it just about overheats again. Pulling off the highway and into a parking lot, I automatically look under the car for any signs of anything leaking. Nada. Alas I do find a power steering belt hanging there. Well now the steering problem makes sense.

I proceed to get some work gloves from the trunk to open the rad cap and let any pressure out slowly. Seems not so bad, so I continue to open the cap. Bad news, I'm pretty sure I got a million degree burns on my chest and face as well as drinking the shit. Whoever said that animals like antifreeze because it's sweet is full of fucking shit. That shit tastes disgusting.

So picture this: I am beside my car coughing and spitting and gasping and pouring water in my mouth and it going absolutely everywhere thinking I'm about to die from drinking this shit.

Throw power steering belt in car. Pour equal amounts of water and poison into the car. Slam hood in anger. Get in car, continue driving. Miss the deadline for getting the dog to my sisters for dog sitting. Have to wait 2.5 hours for the next chance.

Good thing I had shitty traffic and car troubles and only actually had to wait a half an hour.

Fortunately that's about all the events for the trip down to Windsor.

Oh, but wait. That's not all! THERE'S MORE.

On the way home we made several stops for visiting. When leaving the last stop, about an hour from home, my battery light comes on. FUCKING GREAT. Half an hour of driving the radio starts fucking off. It took me probably close to 5 minutes, pulled over, to figure out how to turn the damn thing off. Drive another 10 minutes, gauges fuck off too. Now is when I know I'm fucked. The lights start to dim, I can barely see. I get about 10km from town and she dies.

FUCK MY LIFE. We JUST want to get HOME.

Luckily a friend is not far and comes to the rescue. Charge the battery off his car for a bit, then booked 'er home. Barely made it, and had a cop double take me a couple blocks from the house. Likely because I had barely any lights left. I wasn't stopping for anything. He wanted me, he could follow me home, I was almost there! Luckily that was not an added hassle to my weekend.

Although, I did pass an interesting set-up for radaring I'd never seen before. I saw something on the bridge ahead, getting closer and closer, trying to figure out what it is. Close enough to getting a ticket lol when I realize it's a cop standing on the bridge above the 401 using a radar gun. Half a click down the road, two more cops have people pulled over.

Otherwise, it was a decent, relaxing weekend. Even with the two hour nap I took Saturday that fucked me for going to bed that night.

Go Fuck Yourself

I apologize, this may get a bit ranty.

That is what the universe is telling me. I feel like a complete failure in so many ways.

Hey, you wanna fix your car? haha, go fuck yourself.

Hey, you wanna get a part time job? go fuck yourself, and work 40+ hours a week and have absolutely no time to actually LIVE your life after you're done work, kids and the business.

Due to the whole "wiring" issue with the fuel pump, I was unable to make my appointment for the alignment on the Friday. So that had to wait until Monday. Unfortunately, I was told it was going to need a ball joint and a control arm bushing. Had I known that on the Friday instead of the Monday, I could have used my weekend off much more wisely. Because I did not find this out until Monday, that pushed everything back a week due to not having anyfuckingsparetime. To today, where I was off at the early time of 2pm, and therefore able to spend some solid daylight hours on the car.

Only to find out that the bushing I was told was in stock (aka my garage), was actually not. Also to have the ball joint seized in, so I'm going to have to get the tool from work to get the fucker out. Yet another day of unaccomplished dreams. So now I have to see about getting in the damn bushing, and push back the alignment. Again.

What's frustrating me so much on top of the obvious, is the fact that I have wasted the majority of the summer. I normally visit friends in Ottawa, Windsor, on top of going camping and going to Wonderland. None of that. Nothing. Where the fuck is the my fun? I can't go anywhere due to these issues. I have been stuck here. Worrying about my new tires.

Sometimes it seems really easy to just give up. Especially when you think of things like, the fact that you put a lot of time into something and feel you get nothing back on top of not feeling accomplished what so ever.

Shitty Stuff and Good Stuff

I haven't been around these parts lately. I guess its hard to think with all that stuff going on. Not "I guess". It is. I'm not going to lie.

I got a new job. I'm hoping that this is my lucky break. I was without a job for two months. With being down to one very part time job (8 hours a week) and a series of expensive events, my savings ran through pretty fast.

It's not over yet. I still have some expensive events coming soon, in the form of a rebuilt rack, brakes, and tires. And that's just the maintenance stuff.

Now for the good.

Earlier this week, I was treated to see Carlos Santana live at Casino Rama. Which isn't all that far from where I live. I had enough gas in my car, so I went. After all the bullshit that's been going on in my life lately, it was really nice to enjoy being treated to a concert. Even only a couple of hours away from it all, I really appreciated it.

Speaking of appreciation, I have some really awesome friends! One of the best, Yandie has really been there for me the past few weeks. I'm so grateful to have such generous friends. In a time of need, a few have been there. Even just to keep me company. I needed it, and I'm thankful for the kindness they've shown me. I'm not out of the woods yet, but gradually, they are showing me the way out. Without them, I'm sure I'd still be lost in the darkest part of those woods right now. Nobody else I can think of are able (or may not want to be named or) tagged, so I'll leave some initials of those I want to thank. AC & MR, JP & AV, JS, CC, KM, CS, GW & SW, TE, AT. Thank you guys, even for a small contribution for my mental health, thank you.

A Discovery

My ex husband was a "hunter". I say that in quotations because he always said he liked to hunt, and talked about having guns handed down from his grandfather, but didn't actually do a lot of hunting.

The Boyfriend started out kind of the same way. It did seem that in his youth he did more hunting, and just didn't have quite as much time for it anymore. He also had another big hobby to fill a lot of his time. The hobby that just so happened to bring us together. The reason we met.

Now that he doesn't have his car anymore, it seems things have shifted. He is now full-out hunter. I think it's a bit overboard. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the new hunting craze coming to life with gigantic amounts of new Reality TV shows...

My whole life, I have never thought of hunting as "cool" or something I ever wanted to do. I think guns are dangerous and that way too many people have them, that shouldn't. This craze is beyond me. I did, live on a farm, and did know the life and death of many animals.

The other day I watched a video of a child, perhaps of 10 years old, and her father investigating a deer they shot. This child was literally vibrating with excitement. It then dawned on me, why all these years I have felt the way I do about hunting. The hunters close to me have disclosed that they take joy in hunting.

This child was so excited about killing something. The fact that they had shot and killed this deer.

Now, just wait a minute you may say. Killing is the natural thing we humans have done for hundreds of years. You would be completely right. I'm not saying that humans shouldn't kill things. I'm not against the death of animals for the sake of food, this is what we have done for hundreds of thousands of years to survive. It happens not only with our species but many, many others.

My problem is the fact that people take joy in killing. I don't think I will ever get that concept. I think that killing something for the sake of fun is disgusting and sadistic. I think now, that most people, hunt as a sport. I doubt that the majority of hunters are actually hunting for good reasons. I think that farmers have good reason to hunt the creatures that kill their livestock, and I think that there are a very few others that hunt solely to help feed their family (at least in the area I live in).

So there it is, my discovery of why all these years I have never liked hunting. One video made me realize this, after all this time. I'm pretty sure I've finally figured it out.

Winter Driving

At last, I remembered a topic I wanted to write about!

People like to make fun of me because I have this ability to get into car accidents easily. My first couple of years driving, I got myself into quite a few accidents. I was then deemed a "bad driver" by most people, including myself. I believed that I was a horrible driver for a long time.

I now believe I was mostly wrongly accused. In the beginning, I chalked it up to being a novice driver. While the beginning of my life driving and accidents associated could be said I was a novice driver, the rest, not so much. Therefore I just figured I was a bad driver.

Looking back on just the last few years of my life, I have been in far less accidents and received far less tickets. In the matter of tickets, I actually went over year with not a single one, until I was driving my friends car on the highway one day in the spring and was paying too much attention to the idiot tailgating me rather than my speedometer.

As far as accidents are concerned, the only one that I feel the most fault for is the first one. I blogged about it a long time ago, and unfortunately can't link to it as it's been archived. I lost control after a major snowfall (driving a manual), it was my first winter driving and it wasn't plowed. I should have slowed down more before trying to turn the vehicle.

The rest are mostly history, but thinking about them, I have felt that in every instance I did my best, and did what I could to avoid them. In the few most recent ones (by recent I mean years ago lol) I was hit by another car.

There is always the "what if's" but I don't blame myself for them. Anymore. I was hit and I couldn't have done anything about it.

All that being said, looking back the last few years, I have noticed some things. I didn't realize how bald my tires had gotten until someone pointed them out. I avoided many accidents, in some pretty bad situations. I have spent a lot of time driving in the last couple of years. I drive many more kilometers every day than anyone I know (unless they commute to the city).

I'm not a bad driver. I just don't have great luck or the perfect circumstances most of the time. I have had plenty of practice and I have learned how to avoid collisions very well, even with bad luck and crappy circumstances.

Le Dentist

I actually have a few blogs that haven't been posted.... S'pose I should get on that.

Today's topic is Le Dentist. I haven't seen a dentist since I was 15 or so. My parents couldn't really afford to, so my grandparents took my sister and I to get some check ups. At that time I was told my wisdom teeth would need to be removed at some point. I don't remember much else about it.

Ever since I had my kids I have thought about getting these darned wisdom teeth out. They are painful, and crooked, and likely causing cavities and bullshit in my mouth.

Every time I think about it, I think about the whole labour and birthing experience. Mostly the part where I freaked the fuck out and was afraid for my life. Why? Not a damn clue. I was scared shitless of getting the c-section, the epidural, the whole damn thing.

Last year I had to have a procedure done at the hospital and they told me they were going to put me out for it. I thought I was fine. I thought the problem with the whole "we're gonna cut your kids out of you" experience was that I was left awake. No. Oh hell no. That was clearly not the problem. I freaked the fuck out, once again. Luckily the nurse was great and calmed my ass down.

So now that I've been through these things I think I can do this. I actually saved a bunch of money for Christmas and didn't use it all so I told myself that after the immense amount of holiday spending was over, I was going to get my damn teeth looked at.

I had a consult a couple of weeks ago. They didn't help my fear at all... This week I have a cleaning. We shall see where things go from here.

If I could draw a picture it would be one of those stick figures and it would be Le Dentist: la de da... le me: OMFG@#$^%&#^&%$&

Cyreks & Technology

Cyreks: 3
Technology: 1 + 1?

Well I'm not sure how accurate that is... But I'm very happy with some of my recent battles with technology ending in success such as:
- ultimate battle with text messaging app on my phone. Was not receiving picture messages, now I am.
- cat fight with blogger in the time zone and comment department. (does that count as two?) Now you can comment on my blog with no blog affiliation and my posts will display they were posted at the correct time.

The things I still haven't managed to figure out:
- how in the HELL do you get your YouTube videos available to watch on a mobile device?
- even after setting the settings to not send notifications, why must an app put a notification in my status bar and not allow me to even swipe it away??

Frustration.

Uggghhhh I've had enough, I think I'm going to bed.